Who’s Even Writing This?

15 years ago I was pretty unhealthy… but NOW I drink gluten-free beer standing up!

15 years ago I was pretty unhealthy… but NOW I drink gluten-free beer standing up!

Like other famous people from my town (see: Fall Out Boy and that guy who played the dad on 90210!) I grew up eating a standard Midwestern diet rich in cereal, Miracle Whip and on healthy occasions, iceberg lettuce. I was bad at sports so I never developed muscles or discipline or cauliflower ear. Since I spent most of my early twenties eating pizza, Coors Lite, and other people’s Parliaments, my immune system was ill-prepared when I started working 80 hrs/week at a white-collar prison camp (or ad agency or whatever). After a year of Pepto-loading and intermittent Pneumonia, I took a nutrition class. I learned about gut bacteria. I started saying no to late-night office burritos (which was hard, but I’m a fighter). I even bought a VitaMix. Now I live in Los Angeles where I run a fleet of vegan food trucks and meditate 4 hours/day. JUST KIDDING. I still have a desk job and problems, but I do make a point to pursue healthy activities like exercising, not comparing myself to the women in the Equinox locker room, and avoiding the show Mob Wives. I am by no means a health expert, but I do try a lot of stuff because I like figuring out what helps me feel good/ cure hangovers/ minimize public farting.

This is me NOW. Look how much weight I lost! That chair is fucking huge!

This is me NOW. Look how much weight I lost! That chair is fucking huge!