How to Poach the Shit Out of Eggs

“Wanna know how to make friends in prison? NEVER poach in boiling water.”

Say what you will about her portfolio, her egg-poaching game is blue chip as fuck. Today’s post is both a celebration of my favorite food that’s not wine, as well as a straight lift from Martha Stewart’s excellent cook book for people who don’t know how to cook. Okay, so since the actual recipe only takes up like 4 lines, let’s talk about why poached eggs are so awesome. First, they’re delish. Second, they look kind of fancy, especially if you toss a dried herb within ten feet of the plate. Third, (organic, cage-free) eggs are already good for you, but poaching is arguably the healthiest way to prepare them. This is because high-heat cooking methods like baking, scrambling, and frying can produce toxic compounds known as advanced glycation end products (AGEs) which, when consumed, can oxidize tissues and cause inflammation. Yuck. Cooking eggs in water is also good because it means the yolk barely touches the air, and therefore barely oxidizes (which is what happens when apples or avocados turn brown when you leave them out. Don’t eat that shit either). Here’s how to poach your eggs like a convict:

Martha Stewart’s Egg Poaching Recipe for Bad Bitches

1. Boil water. Add a little vinegar.

2. Break one or two eggs into a small heat-proof bowl. If the yolks break, KILL YOURSELF because this won’t work.

3. Reduce water to a simmer and gently pour eggs in.

4. Let eggs cook for 2 1/2 min. or a little longer depending on how you like them.

5. Remove with a strainer or slotted spoon to drain water.

6. Optional: trim raggedy sides if you’re going for that classy Gjelina look.

Now throw that shit on some pesto-smeared gluten-free toast, add lox and a DAINTY dill garnish and you’re an instant prison brunch hero. Substitute the toast for sautéed greens and I’ll even eat it. Hooray!