What Should I Drink Even Though I Shouldn’t?
In a perfect world, alcohol would taste like frisee and in an even more perfect world frisee wouldn’t exist because it’s stupid (if you don’t know what frisee is, just imagine Mother Nature’s pubes). Despite all the “reports” and “studies” that red wine is good for you, I’m pretty sure if you’re the kind of person (see: FUN!) who can’t own white clothing or stemware with stems, you’re probably consuming a few buckets more than the “beneficial” amount. Also you’d fit right in at my next stem-free dinner party. Bottom line, alcohol is not healthy. To para-phrote from a longer, more well-researched article in UPC:
• Alcohol is toxic to the liver.
• It’s an addictive drug (Remember this?).
• Too much booze in your system causes your liver to prioritize detox over nutrient uptake.
• It’s tough to burn fat while detoxifying from alcohol.
• Your liver can’t metabolize alcohol into sugar, which can cause a dip in blood sugar and a rise in blood fats.
• Often when toxins aren’t processed, they can be stored as fat.
• Alcohol is dehydrating, which means that it can affect electrolyte balance.
• Drinking makes your skin look like shit.
• Drinking impairs judgement and makes you more likely to do unhealthy things like binge-eat garlic knots and/or bang a dude with a creepy goatee.
I know. You know. We all know. It’s important to be aware. And if you’re the kind of high-functioning, eternally-dewy human who abstains, I am legit jealous of you. For everyone else, I trust Dave Asprey’s drink infographic, which (for people who hate clicking) I will paraphrase below:
Beer: Gluten, yeast, moldy grains, toxins… this is the worst offender.
Red wine: Yeast, toxins, sugar… purple teeth… I at least try to stick with organic and/or European bottles.
Colored, sweetened spirits: Sugar, mold, the chemicals that make Curaçao blue… probably roofies.
Liqueurs: Sugar sugar sugar.
Dry white wine: Look for a yellow band at the top of the bottle: this means the wine meets (higher) Euro standards.
Dry Champagne: Choose brut or extra brut.
Dry Cider: Still has yeast, but at least it’s GF.
Whiskey: Still has grain toxins, but it’s highly distilled, which is good.
Tequila: Relatively clean, unless a whistle and test tube are involved.
Gin: Juniper berries have some antioxidants.
Vodka: When you drink it without sugar, this is the best choice.
All this is kind of a bummer for red wine enthusiasts like me, but so are purple teeth. Lately I’ve been experimenting with Mezcal cocktails, so we’ll see how that goes.