This Post Is About Periods

Track that shit!

Track that shit!

You know that thing when you’re at a solstice celebration and you overhear two women near the drum circle discussing Diva Cups and one chick is all “I follow a red moon cycle” and the other chick is all “I follow a white moon cycle” and then they turn to you and you’re like OMG I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN MY PERIOD COMES I SHOULD JUST LEAVE ALSO WHY DO YOUR CYCLES HAVE COLORS ALSO FUCK MAYBE I’M PREGNANT. Ugh. That’s the worst. Let’s start with the timing issue: if you’re not on birth control (and there are many, many reasons you might go BC-free… but I’ll save that for a Q&A with an actual doctor) your lady time can be kind of unpredictable. But as they say in commercials, there’s an app for that. Actually, there are several. I use Pink Pad, but I’m pretty sure they all do the same thing: tell you when your period’s coming. The more you use the app, the smarter/ more accurate it gets, which makes it increasingly easier to determine the best/ worst times to have sex, avoid yogic inversions, or wear white pants. So yeah, get a period app. Now for the hippie shit. Back in the day, caveladies’ cycles were rhythmically synced with the cycle of the moon. The ones who went to the menstrual tent* during a full moon followed a red moon cycle, the ones who went to the menstrual tent during a new moon followed a white moon cycle, and any cavelady who got her period at any other time was sent to boarding school. Today, thanks to light pollution and HFCS and redeye flights and EVERYTHING ELSE, most BC-free bleeders are out of sync with the big pizza pie. So, if you’re looking to get back to your cavelady womb-roots, you can download a moon app, and see how shit lines up. Don’t feel bad if you’re out of sync, at least now you know what to talk about at your next drum circle. Happy bleeding!

*I kind of want to open a bar called The Menstrual Tent.