WOO or EW: Float Lab in Venice Beach, CA

This is basically what happens.

This is basically what happens.

I heard that floating naked in a salt-water sensory deprivation tank was supposed to be super peaceful and rejuvenating, so I read the reviews of the floaty place in my nabes, and decided it was worth $40 bones (cash only, bro). In retrospect, I think this is the kind of thing where you’re supposed to smoke pot before, but for whatever reason they don’t put that on the website. I’m also pretty sure you’re not supposed to pregame with a three-egg omelette and a 16 oz black coffee. But as they say in Venice, whatev—hey! Don’t steal my bike! Float Lab is basically a storage unit on the beach where a be-goggled and be-nipple-pierced surfer named Crash makes you sign a piece of paper that says you won’t sue him if you drown. He spends a lot of time telling you not to “make a mess” and then he sends you in the tank room for two hours and tells you to have a nice time. You get naked, shower, put in ear plugs, and slip into a pitch black, (supposedly) sterile tank of salt water where you’re alone with your caffeinated thoughts FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Okay. I can kind of see how people who aren’t me might like this. It’s cool to feel weightless, and also cool not to sense anything but your own pounding heart for a change, but…meh. I made it 45 minutes without having a panic attack and then I had to get the fuck out. I spent the rest of the day feeling nauseous and salty and mad at myself for not feeling peaceful and rejuvenated.

Verdict: EW. Glad I tried it, bummed I brunched so hard beforehand. If you go, read the reviews, and skip the home fries.