Food is such a mindfuck! (Photo cred: Andy Pearson)

Food is such a mindfuck!

People are always like, dude, you’re a WORLD-FAMOUS health blogger—what are you eating these days? WAIT JUST KIDDING. Unless you’re an ultra-marathon runner or an ageless cyborg, nobody gives a fuck. But that doesn’t stop me from talking about my dietary preferences at work, at parties, and whenever I spend more than four minutes with my lovable, gluten-guzzling parents.

In a perfect world, this is how my perfect self would perfectly eat:

1. No processed foods or oils.

2. No grains (with the occasional exception of white rice)

3. No sugar (including fruit, honey, agave, or wine)

4. No dairy, with the exception of grass-fed butter/ghee and occasional raw milk/cheese

5. Only grass-fed meat / pasture-raised eggs / wild-caught fish / conflict-free diamonds

6. Lots of healthy fats (avocado, coconut oil, MCT oil, nuts, and grass-fed butter)

7. Organic everything (cha-ching!) and 100% farmers market veggies

8. Organic coffee sometimes

9. Limited starches (like sweet potatoes and white rice)

Unfortunately, I’m a city-dwelling mammal with a desk job and only so many social commitments I can tolerate without wine, so, you know. I do my best. Also, I really like wine. And cheese. And wine.